When You Are Exhausted

 

I was reading in Come Follow Me this morning and it shared a video called We Can Find Happiness. The video follows the story of three different converts and how they found happiness, strength, and peace through the gospel. And I surprised myself because when it finished I found myself asking, “So what about those who find the church exhausting?”

Sometimes it is. You don't have to be appalled. Trying to get kids ready, and yourself ready so you are presentable at church? Then trying to fight with that same family to be quiet during church? Having work, school, home duties, and then to have someone add a calling on top of it- another task for the week. Knowing you need to reach out to other sisters but feeling you can barely reach out to yourself. Maybe you have a husband who isn't strong so when it comes to prayer and scriptures and Family Night it is all. On. you.

You are not alone. You are not the only one who feels this way. I had a recent conversation with my sister who said she hoped they didn't go back to in person church anytime soon because the effort was just too much. And she knew once she did they would give her a challenging calling and she just couldn't face it right now.

We are all tired. Being a part of the church can sometimes be exhausting.

So let me tell you a story. A few years ago, before we moved here, my husband was sent to a remote part of afghanistan. I had three kids under the age of six. Only one in school. And right when he left I found out I was pregnant. My pregnancies are not fun. I am high risk which means multiple doctors appointments every month, shots every day. We lived in a rural town which meant to see my specialists I had to drive an hour. With my two children who weren't in school.

We lived in a branch filled with other military families who were also facing deployments. The branch was virtually women run. And they were all women who were tired. I remember asking, when my husband got deployed, to make sure I had strong visiting teachers and home teachers and the branch president told me- it won't happen. And he was right. The whole time we lived there I had not a single visit from sisters or brothers. When I needed a blessing there was no one there to give one. 

I was primary secretary and the nursery leader because there was no one else. I often was alone in the nursery because if I wasn't there, parents were taking their toddlers to class with them. I saw a classroom twice while we lived there. The first time, the week we moved in. The second time, the week we moved out.

One night I went into my closet and I broke down. I wept like I had never wept before. Like miscarriage and inferitility all over again type of weeping. I have never been so tired. I am not sure I have ever felt so empty. I couldn't talk to my husband about it because one, there wasn't internet that day where he was and two, he was facing horrors I couldn't imagine. I felt like I couldn't call my family because I already called and cried to them so much.

So I prayed.

And after I cried, and cried, I just knelt there, crumpled on my closet floor, and I very distinctly heard a voice in my head that said, “Sarah, this is either going to make you, or its going to break you. You choose.”

Strangely enough the choice did not seem that hard. How much more broken could I get? I may as well see how this all could make me. 

People asked me afterwards how I did it and I still say, without a hint of sarcasm, prayer, diet coke, and chocolate. Sisters, I was a hot mess. We had cereal for dinner at least twice a week. Burger King a third time. We ate almost exclusively off of paper plates. I bought a knock off robotic vacuum to clean the kitchen floor for me. I distinctly remember my 18 month old taking her shoes off in the car on the way to church and instead of having the fight to put them back on, I just carried her in shoeless. I talked to my doctor and got a prescription for sleep aids. I truly drank MOSTLY diet coke. 

But I also started going to bed at 9 and getting up before my kids so I had ten minutes of quiet during which I read my scriptures. My kids may not have had shoes on, and I fully gave up on makeup, but we were at church at least. I spent a lot of time kneeling in my closet in prayer. I was the weaker visiting teaching companion- I let my companion make all the appointments. But I went to them, and I shared the thought.

Truly, truly what got me through that time was the gospel. Not the church- this is where I make the distinction between the two because at that time I had no support coming from church. But the gospel of Christ that I learned while reading my scriptures, that I learned while serving in that presidency and teaching those toddlers, that I felt while on my knees in prayer, that is what made me. I would be at church every sunday I could in whatever messy state I made it because I knew I needed the spirit that was in that building; because the Lord asked me to be there and I knew that if I obeyed he would help me out later. And I desperately needed it. I visit taught because I knew that if I did, I may not get visit taught back, but that the Lord would make up the difference for me. And heavens, I was not going to let happen to someone else what was happening to me.

Now, when I make calls, and chat with you all in the hall, the biggest thing I hear is, I'm tired. Sisters we ARE tired. We are all exhausted. It is hard. Ministering, serving in callings, reading your scriptures, organizing family scriptures and family home evening, and shuffling kids off to activities while making sure work and homework and housework all gets done… it's too much.

Something has to give.

So what do you give up? Well that's different for everyone. I gave up on make up even when church is involved, and on wearing real pants. I gave up on sleeping in and staying up. 5 am is now my hour, and yes I actually go to bed at 9. I gave up on dishes and embraced paper plates. I also embraced all the precooked meals that I possibly could. I clean my house once each morning and then ignore it when the toys take over. I completely gave up on all and any yard work. (Please don't drive by my house.) 

My sister who can't abide by a messy yard and has to wear make up for work gave up on a morning gym session and gave up making lunches for her kids. They get hot lunch at school. We also let our boys chat incessantly on the computer because if they are talking to each other they aren’t razzing their younger sisters. So screen time limits went out the window.

Your concessions in life will be tailored to what YOU can handle, and what you can't abide. You need that morning gym session? Then let something else slide. WE CANNOT BE PERFECT. WE CANNOT DO IT ALL. And you have to do YOU. Don't give up what I did, or my sister did. And don't keep something because I keep it. Give up what YOU can. And embrace what YOU need.

But I promise you, I PROMISE YOU, that the thing that gives, should not be the gospel. This gospel, this is what will make you. Get up and show the Lord you are willing to read your scriptures and he will give you the strength you need. Come to Him in prayer and he will come to you in peace and comfort. Come to church. We do not care if your shoes are on or if your ten year olds hair is in a ponytail because you just didn't have the energy to fight about a shower. (Done that. A lot.) We just care that you are there. Because the relief you are looking for is not out there. It's here. Giving up is what will break you. 

I can testify that this ward is a great blessing. Everytime I have needed a blessing, someone was at my house that night. My ministering sister has checked in on me from day one. (She also aids and abets my diet coke habit which is loved and appreciated.) I have never been so accepted even with my lack of makeup and my inactive spouse. For every inch I am willing to give and serve this ward gives me back ten fold.

The church is important. This ward is a wonderful example of that. The strength I get from sitting in sacrament with all of you and listening to talks and testimonies is truly great. The callings I have had here have been ones I would never have imagined but that have stretched me and grown me in ways I needed. The could only have come from priesthood leaders who are truly listening to the Lord. 

But it's your personal connection to the Lord and the Savior that will make you. Not ward activities, or your calling. The gospel is what makes you into who you really are.